white clouds & commentary.

Today's blog is going to be a hell of a post.

I've recently discovered that having integrity is no longer a thing. my whole life i have been big on trust & respect. but i cant seem to find either of those things anymore. its like everyone i get close to betrays me. so today a friend, or shall i say friends, betrayed me. they did both of the two things i begged them not to do. DON'T LIE TO ME & DO NOT EVER DISRESPECT ME. but it seems like whatever you ask of people they do the exact opposite. so these friends of my sat down, in a circle, all ears, and entertained someone who was speaking bad about me. Now remember i am in high school. So yeah it wasn't like i was oblivious to the idea of something like this happening to me. i just didn't think it would happen by the few people i call friends. but that's what i do best. i look for the good in people. But that's not even the worst part. the thing is these "friends" who speak bad about me would be the same exact people to photo shop me into white clouds the second i was to die. the same people to make a post about me stating their deepest feelings for me. "she was such a good person"  "gone but never forgotten" "idk what i'm gonna do now that shes gone" " i knew the dead girl". its all a bunch of bullshit if you ask me. And it hurts you know? To know that none of those statements would be sincere. these people choose to spend their spare time trying to hurt me... but once i'm gone they're the first ones to leave their commentary at my funeral. And its not right none of it is.each day i come closer to doing the deed. but i don't want them to have the option of releasing their fake grief into the world. but at the same time, i want to release myself from this eternal vacancy i face. i feel numb to the touch, as if nothing i do will ever be good enough for anyone. its like i'm receiving bad karma from other people's lives. the more i try to be positive the more god throws negativity my way. i just want to let go of it all.